i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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