umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
