my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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