Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
