One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
