I puked a lego.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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