There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
