First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
