Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
