glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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