Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
