I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
