I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
