First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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