Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
