New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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