So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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