from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
