I haven't been this sober since birth.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
