I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
