I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
