Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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