What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize