god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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