turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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