If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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