It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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