The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
