Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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