No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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