Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
