it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
