remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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