Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
