duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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