i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
