I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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