I swear she didn't look like that last week.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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