Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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