I skipped work to stalk him.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
