I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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