You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
