I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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