i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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