I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
