Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
