new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
