he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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