On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
