im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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