dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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