My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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