those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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