apparently the secret to your success is patron
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
