so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
