my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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