so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
