My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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