There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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